It was long ago, not that long actually... the rush of adrenaline that runs through my veins when I think about it is fascinating. He was my very first kiss, my first boyfriend, the very first boy to call me beautiful while looking in my eyes, as if he was looking through my soul. His brown hair, and those hypnotizing green eyes. The boy is gorgeous, he's tall, adorable, and knows how to make me laugh. Up until now, I've gotten over everything we've had. I was nothing but something to use to him, but I do know I can move on to bigger and better things.
Of course, I still have to see him everyday. Do I want him back? That's a hard question. My head longs for him. My brain and thoughts want him to come back and feel his lips against mine, his hands wrapped around my body in an neverending embrace. For him to care for me once again. But My heart? No. Absolutely not. I had always taught myself to listen to my heart, and it's become easier once you figure things out. My heart longs for another, and I know who he is, and I want to be with him more than anything. He is everything I've pictured in my husband. The ex, Him on the other hand, he was great, but was with me for the wrong reason. I never thought he would enter my head again... But I went to bed that one night, I would have never expected a dream about him... and others, and yes that is what happened once I closed my eyes.
I hardly remember what it started out as. It must have been a trip for the entire class, or I met up with him out of nowhere when I went on vacation. He had looked at me like he used to, into my eyes through my soul. I must have said something to him before hand, and I don't remember. I said his name softly. We had been standing in the open, it started to rain. The sky was a dull shade of grey, absolutely no color on his face or in his eyes. He looked dead with no life in his eyes. I felt so weak, as if I was about to fall over. If I had said something to him, it had affected us both. Because I'm sure I was the mirror reflection of him right then. Life had disappeared from both of our faces. He looked at me, bags under his eyes with dark circles. His skin pale. He started walking closer to me, which turned into running, eventually he had me in his embrace. It felt weird to be in his arms again. While he was embracing me, I was standing there in his arms, at my weakest point trying to get him to honestly let go. This felt like a dream in a dream. Pinch me, please... I was almost to the point of hypervenalaying.
The rain started to fall, everything felt black and white. The trees were completely bare, winter was definitely here. I had just stood there, in his arms. He would not let me leave, it's as if holding onto me was his only way to breathe. I was his oxygen for this moment. He had his face in my hair and he was trying to say something through his choking voice.
"I'm so sorry... I spent the last year in pain, missing you. I let the most precious thing I ever met in my life go so easily. You are an angel, I have never met someone so happy, so full of life and smiles ever... I would give everything to have you be mine again."
I never was yours. I thought to myself. I kept saying 'let go' to him trying not to cry. I felt like I was going to collapse. My mind was over matter, It craved his kisses. But my heart was being ripped apart at this moment. Where was my Knight. He had been kissing my hair at the same time, begging for forgiveness. I had already forgiven him. But I cannot have him. I have to guard my heart, and it already is being protected by someone else. I do love you, I do. But it took you this long to realize you made a huge mistake of letting me slip from you.
I just can't have you... I'm not that girl for you.
Yet you mean a lot to me.
You always will.
But my 'love' for you is nothing but infatuation, and for that I am sorry.
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